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Lunchtime #6: Danger: Unexploded Whippet
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Lunchtime Express 6 - Danger-Unexploded Whippet (Disk 2 of 2).adf
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relativity.magtext
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1996-11-13
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v5.01
0
117
Dr. Doggie really 'gets into' relativity.ý
Ax¤¤
Or Einstein was off his Chump.ý
ý
Introductioný
Ullo everyoneÿ welcome to another in my series of þ
science lecturesÿ where we delve into the great þ
mystery that is science.ý
Einstein right? Einstein. What does he know. The þ
speed of lightÿ right? The speed of lightÿ it ain't þ
that fast. I can go faster than that. If Mr þ
MacGoohan kicks me hard enough. Red shift? Doggie þ
shift more like. Not that he means itÿ he laughs a þ
lot when he does itÿ so that must mean he likes me.ý
So was Einstein a great genius or just an old chap þ
famous for sticking his tongue out to cameramen?ý
ý
"God Does Not Play Dice With The Universe"ý
One of Alby's most famous quotations about quantum þ
physics (see last issue)ÿ to which Heisenburg replied þ
"Does too. So there.". I intend to find out the þ
truth. Let us prey.ý
ý
Doggie: Our Father who art in Heaven...ý
God: Fiji.ý
Doggie: Sorryÿ who art in Fijiÿ do you play dice with þ
the universe?ý
God: No. I use dice. Ahÿ haÿ haÿ ha.ý
Doggie: ....ý
God: That was a joke.ý
Doggie: Really?ý
God: Yes. Laugh.ý
Doggie: Uhÿ uh ÿuh.ý
God: That's Better. Actually I'm more of a poker man þ
myselfÿ the lads and I often play a hand of 'No-card þ
Stud' (it's a deity thing). Of course the missus þ
doesn't approve of gambling and we are godsÿ so we þ
don't play for moneyÿ we use something more þ
spiritual... 'I see your Psalm 24 and raise you a þ
Norse Myth'.ý
Doggie: Amen.ý
ý
Relativity Unmasked.ý
I will now prove that the theory of relativity is þ
wrong.ý
ý
1) According to relativityÿ when an object moves at þ
speedÿ time slows down. So why are trains always þ
late? Ahÿ got you there Ably.ý
ý
2) And if the speed of light is constant for all þ
observersÿ why don't Captain Kirk's eyes get sucked þ
out when they go into Warp drive?ý
ý
3) Alsoÿ at speedÿ objects gain mass. So why are þ
there no mobile catholic churches?ý
ý
4) Finallyÿ things traveling fast get shorter. þ
Being only six inches tallÿ I feel that Mr. Smarty þ
Pants is being heightist. If I get shorterÿ I'll þ
disappear.ý
ý
Convinced? No? O.K. this will sort you out.ý
ý
5) If mass and energy are equivalentÿ why is þ
Gaylord Gorilla such a lazy sod.ý
ý
ý
Dr Doggie's theory of everything.ý
One of science's greatest dreams is to find an þ
answer to the question. The big one. To provide a þ
theory for everything. So if relativity isn't itÿ nor þ
quantum physicsÿ what is the ultimate solution?ý
Wellÿ as it happens I have a few ideas of my own.ý
ý
1) Light is stationery. We just suck it in with þ
our eyes. If you run you can see moreÿ and in a car þ
you can see lots of things.ý
ý
2) Electricity hurts.ý
ý
3) E=mg/tÿ where m is a massÿ g is the amount of þ
gravy on itÿ and t is the amount of time it is in the þ
oven (at gas mark 6).ý
ý
4) And finallyÿ the answer to all of life questions þ
is.....ý
ý
<new page>ý
<GFX:A LOBOTOMY>ý
ý
Yusÿ I can offer you this once in a lifetime þ
opportunity at a knock-down price. Just pop into Dr. þ
Doggie's Lobotomy-U-Like while you wait boutique and þ
just say 'I wuf Dr. Doggie' to qualify for a special þ
discount on our one hour service.ý
- Avoid the mess of a DIY job.ý
- Qualify for prime time TV quiz shows.ý
- No more headaches.ý
- No pain! Ever!ý
- An IQ of 30 or lessÿ guaranteedÿ or your money þ
back.ý
ý
See what our satisfied customers have to say.ý
"Dorctor Dorrrggie reahly changed mhy lhife." - þ
Lloyd Grossman.ý
"One bought the treatment for one's sons and þ
daughters-in-law. One got a group discount" - HRH the þ
Queen.ý
"I would recommend it to anybodyÿ especially Bob þ
Dole." - Bill Clinton.ý
"Duuhhhhÿ had deluxe lobr...library thing. Me like. þ
It tickled." - Ann Diamond.ý
"Doctor Doggie really changed my wife" - Nick Owen.ý
ý
<GFX: Doggie signature>ý
ý